Post meridiem

so obviously the writing daily thing isn’t working…

…so I am just trying for more frequently.  A more obtainable goal I believe.

There is just a bunch of random thoughts in my head today, many practical…

Today I have been thinking about car emissions tests and haircuts. Slim Cessna’s Auto Club is playing tomorrow night at the Aggie and I can’t wait! I love them!  I leave on vacation March 21st for 2 1/2 weeks and I am REALLY looking forward to that as well.  I don’t have any money and the little I will have should be spent on more important things, but I made these plans before my financial burdens and I have to deal with that now.  It’s gonna be fun either way.  I am going to NYC to visit Justin and all those other FoCo fools that moved there, then I am going to Fayetteville, NC to visit Jana and see her pregnant self, and finally to Seattle for a few days to hang out with Jaime and live and laugh and learn.  I have never been to any of these places and am looking forward to the experience.  I love traveling soooooooo incredibly much! 

I think I have wrote about this before. Numberous times…

…but I’m gonna do it again.  Maybe something has changed, maybe it will all be the same, I don’t care.  I’m just gonna write.

So, I don’t believe in “the one”. Or atleast the definition of “the one” to mean there is one, and only one, person out there with whom you are to share the whole of your life.  Perhaps in my younger, more naive days I did, but that is long past.  I have loved, and loved and lost, a few times now, and in all of these times I at one time or another thought they might have been “the one”.  To tell the truth, even today with all of those past loves, I feel like they could’ve all cut it as “the one”.  Which to me means that there isn’t just one person out there for you.  So it is either that they were all “the one” (which seems kind of weird given that the number one is singular). Or that none of them were “the one” because they didn’t work out (which doesn’t seem to fit for me either because I still think I would have made a happy life with any of them had we chosen each other, at that time, to do so). 

The reason I am thinking on this is because last night I was talking to a past lover, whom today still remains a close friend, and I was thinking about how I feel a similiar sentiment for my current lover that I used to feel for the past lover.  I mean, I still have a love for the past lover, I don’t think that will ever go away, but it’s different now.  The unequivocal love I feel for current lover is for one person only, but it doesn’t mean that I have only felt it for that specific person and no one else.  So when talking to my past lover, I felt the reminder of that feeling of the specific love, but because it is now being felt for someone else, almost immediately I thought of current lover as I was still talking to the past.  It is somewhat hard to explain, I’m not sure I am doing a great job of it, but I don’t think I can do much better.  It was a bit of a melancholic feeling of growing.

Today’s thought…

Today I have been pondering the idea of “looking on the bright side”.  It’s not an easy thing in my recent circumstances, but today I tried, and it felt good.  My idea of thinking on the bright side is kinda odd, although I would hope you would all expect that from me by now.  Odd is the only thing I do well.  Anyways, I’m going to give you a specific example of this train of thought for me.  Yesterday I got home from a very long day of work in just enough time to shower and head off to Kim’s house to watch the Oscars.  So in my normal pre-shower polite form, I always ask the roommate with whom I share the bathroom if she needs to use it for any reason before I occupy it for a bit.  Her response was no, as it always is, so I began walking up the stairs to collect my clothes from my room and hop in, when my other roommate yells “Oh wait, Lindsay may have to take a shit first.” and then giggled to herself and started talking to Lindsay.  I didn’t stick around for the rest of this conversation, although I heard Lindsay say she would just use the one downstairs, but I found this sentence to be kind of insulting.  I honestly think she meant it as a joke (probably from a previous conversation with Lindsay before I walked in) but because I wasn’t there I can’t be sure.  Anyways, I thought it was insulting because I imagined her saying it because she thought I deserved to have the steaming scent of someone elses shit while I showered.  The two of us don’t have a lot in common, I guess that is where we can start.  Plus, she is my landlord and kind of anal about things (although sometimes I really like that, it can also be a pain in my ass), and this is where looking on the bright side comes into play.  I recently found out that I would have to move at the end of May, which is still several months away, but in my current situation of life, my finances are limited and this means finding first and last months rent in a short amount of time (on top of adding another stress to my somewhat complicated life). BUT, BUT, atleast I won’t have to live under the roof of this person I don’t understand.  She hasn’t been an awful roommate, but I think I might be able to do better.  This is the bright side.  Finding out I have to move, gives me the opportunity for new roommates who could be better than her (although I am fully aware that it is possible the new roommates could be worse).  

That’s all I’ve got for now but I’m gonna try to look on the bright side more often.  Try.  That’s all I can ask of myself.

I’m tired.

My main thought today was on voices.  How one person’s voice can annoy the hell out of you, where as another can soothe your soul (like petting your heart).  For me personally the voice that is soothing can also sometimes be annoying, but rarely for me, is it, that the annoying voice can sometimes soothe.  More than likely it has to do with the person to whom the voice belongs to that makes this so.  Generally the irritating voice belongs to someone I can’t stand, whereas the relaxing voice is owned by a person with whom I can, therefore there is more leeway on my ears. 

This is really all I’ve had to think about today, other than the fact that I worked waaay too hard and my feet, knees, and shoulder hurts.  Good night all!

For the last week-ish…

…I have been having waves of panic.  My chest gets tight and my arms feel weird, I can’t get comfortable, and I feel a weighed down sense of failure.  I have recently done something I shouldn’t have done, that will have a lasting impression on my life records.  I will never be the same person because of this poor decision on my part.  It will inevitably make me a better person.  For this I am sure.  However, until then, I am just wallowing in the worst case of self hatred I have felt since I lived in Ohio. It’s even worse than those feelings in the days of yore, if that is possible, for I am now a grown adult, solely responsible for my actions.  In no way can I blame my bad behavior or poor life choices on someone else.  I must take the blame…and that is lonely.  Granted, I can get advice and comfort from others, who have been in a similiar situation, yet those moments of acceptance are fleeting, and I will more often than not, be left feeling that now old sense of despair as soon as they leave my presences. 

This is my thought of the day. 

I want to start writing daily.

Writing in journals has never worked for me.  I will start one for a couple of weeks or whatever amount of time you wish to use in order to signify a brief moment, but then I stop.  I don’t know what causes my abrupt lack of interest. It is, however, inevitable.  I have tried getting journals with pretty covers, ones with different types of locks or closures of sorts, and a few with different colored paper, nothing seems to be able to keep my attention and passion.

So I am giving up on the paper form of a journal.  I thought I would take a different approach. This will probably end up in the previously mentioned, but yet to be labelled, ‘FAILED ATTEMPTS TO KEEP UP WITH WRITING’, but let’s hope for a more optimistic outcome.  Maybe relieving myself of the weight of paper and binding will free me.  Maybe the clearer visual of my words typed on the web, as opposed to scribbled on paper, will be a stimulant to keep going. Only time will tell.  Today I will give whoever reads this an idea of what I will write and how I will write it.

My goal will be to write down what I have thought about that day in as much detail as possible without the concern of correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling (I am by no means great at these three things to begin with, however I am stating this for the benefit of those who might feel the need to stop reading my stuff for that reason.  Just stop now, it’s not going to get any better than this. hahaha)

So, there it is, my long-winded words explaining what I am about to be doing, what I can only hope, will be for awhile.

—-dori, on past loves—-

My loves of yesterday are still loves of today, I just love them in a different way.  This will always be, for the few men I have chose to love, have been top notch men.  I have been thinking, as of late, about the fact that my ex-boyfriend’s wife does not like me.  I’ve never met her, and I feel it is only because he had a true love for me, that she has this great distaste for yours truly.  This saddens me.  Doug was my best friend and when you break up with someone it’s not like that relationship just ends.  I miss my friendship with him.  I hate the fact that I will never get to meet his children or see him as the fantastic father I know he must be.  This is not to blame her for her feelings, because I have had these feelings about others, in different types of relationship, I just care not to let them get in my way of maintaining my friendship with the people I really care about.  Some judgments are just best to keep to yourself if you really love someone.  Don’t restrict their love for someone because it hurts you.  Learn to love (or, at the very least, respect) that person because you know that relationship is important to the person you fancy. 

dori on how she thinks

I am always thinking about something. Usually in depth and often to the point of exhaustion. I think too much on many subjects. Many people tell me this, yet I still frequently deny it when confronted. It’s almost an addiction and definitely something I can’t control (and believe me, I try!). I occasionally find it to be debilitating. My thoughts frequently sabotaging my desire to speak up when in conversation, or when given the opportunity to say how I feel. These reflections continually forcing me to see the many sides of a situation, playing devil’s advocate within myself, promoting doubt as to whether I should speak up, knowing the possibility of me being wrong has to be great considering I, myself, find so many flaws in it. Not to mention the idea that what I think today, has great potential to change tomorrow, making it ill-advised to utter any words at all. A vicious cycle are my thoughts. Never ending. Sleep depriving. This evenings musings circle around the idea that when you are invited into a close, frequently closed, group of friends, you must never assume that they like you without thinking you have ulterior motives and you must also never consider they don’t either. That you must accept the fact that they will talk about you behind your back. That they, themselves, will have deliberations as to your presence in their lives. These folks being intimate, they will have allegiances you won’t know about, neither can you fathom why such devotions exist. Having not been around to see them birthed. These thoughts of course stem from another thought I have been having since the holidays began, but I won’t get into that discussion at this time. I am tired. See, I told ya! Ha…

on self-doubt

At the moment I am layered with a film of self-doubt. In my opinion, this is rather unbecoming and wholly abhorrent.

dori on jealousy (her own and no one elses)

I feel as though I am a rather realistic person.  I can usually sort out nonsense of thought in my mind and discard it (even if this is a bit of a chore sometimes). When it comes to jealousy however, my realistic self shuts off, if only temporarily, and it becomes hard for me to see the reality of the situation (even if the reality is that I just don’t know what the reality is). I can still usually shake this feeling over some time, reminding myself I am probably just being silly, but some times the feeling just doesn’t go anywhere.  I am then left with a sinking feeling on the inside that I am doomed. At any rate, very few people will ever even know of my jealousies because these are usually insecurities I prefer not to share with the concerned parties but rather keep them to myself and only my closest friends (Kim, basically).  At any rate, there was no real point to this blog, just that I am feeling jealous at the moment and for that reason reflecting on the jealousy and so this is what was invoked.